In this part three of the series, let’s start with a thought experiment that distills down the most important takeaways from part two. Think about traveling forward in time, arriving at your funeral. Imagine now witnessing your funeral. Family, friends, and former and current co-workers are all there; they each give a eulogy about you.
Really ‘feel into’ the scene. Where is it? What does it look like? What’s the weather like? Is there music? Write down who is in attendance: wife, husband, kids? Your boss? Former trainees? Friends and co-workers? Now write down what they are saying about you.
Returning to the present, consider those statements. Can you boil them down to single words or phrases representing the values and virtues you aim for, your character strengths and principles? Finally, are you currently living in alignment with those ideals? If the words of your eulogy are your legacy, are you doing, right now, those things that will build that legacy?
If the answer is “no,” then stick around for further installments of this series, where we will talk about ‘training missions.’
Recently I’ve been thinking about the difference between the résumé virtues and the eulogy virtues, The résumé virtues are the ones you list on your résumé, the skills that you bring to the job market and that contribute to external success. The eulogy virtues are deeper. They’re the virtues that get talked about at your funeral, the ones that exist at the core of your being—whether you are kind, brave, honest or faithful; what kind of relationships you formed.
David Brooks, The Road to Character
Before we carry on with our main topic—defining our roles and drafting our mission statement—consider another question: “Who are you when you have been at your best? What did you do? And what did you not do?”
Hell is where the person you are meets the person you could have become, moments before your death.
Apocryphal
Roles
As you make an honest assessment of your answers to the questions, with deep reflection and self-examination, you may begin to identify and define the many roles or areas of responsibility you have.
Remember those persons at your imagined funeral who bore witness to your legacy? Some of these roles pertain to them. Are you a life partner, or parent? Maybe you are a teacher or field training officer, or a supervisor or mentor.
Here’s my long list:
- Husband
- Brother
- Son-in-law
- Brother-in-law (seven times over)
- Uncle (five times over)
- Homeowner, oops, apartment tenant
- Retired Law Enforcement Officer
- Coach/Trainer
- Philosopher (though I know I’m supposed to keep that a secret)
- Writer
- Teacher
- Website manager
We can now discern two broad categories: Relationships and Vocation.
Love and work…work and love, that’s all there is.
Sigmund Freud
Poet David Whyte, in his book The Three Marriages, describes a triumvirate of marriage-like commitments we should maintain for wholeness: marriage to our vocation, marriage to another (something or someone beyond ourselves), and marriage to ourselves. Brian Johnson, borrowing from Freud and Jim Loehr concurs. We have three ‘identities’ Johnson says: Energy (self), Work (our vocation), and Love (our relationships).
I encourage you to define these identities by name and description. Within these identities, you can consolidate or categorize your roles. Here are my current ones: “Hero in Training,” “Jedi Master” (very long story I’ll tell you someday over a beer), and “Heroic Husband.”
Understand these are not rigid or set in stone. They can and should be flexible enough to change with time. As you enter different phases of life you drop old commitments, and pick up new ones; relationships come and go.
Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness.
Sigmund Freud
Work and Love. Two fundamental aspects of human existence. Freud’s two statements above encapsulate the significance of these two interdependent elements of our identity and purpose.
Love
Love in its various forms, plays a central role in the human experience. Encompassing romantic relationships, familial bonds, friendships, and even the casual wave to a neighbor or smile to the barista, love represents the emotional connection and support we seek and provide.
It is through love that we build connections, experience joy, and find comfort. It nurtures us, creating a safe space where we can be vulnerable. It shapes our relationships allowing us to form deep connections that foster growth.
Vocation
Without love, life might lack meaning and purpose. Work on the other hand represents the practical aspects of our lives. Through our vocations, we express our skills, contribute to society, and fulfill our ambitions.
Whether through an occupation, a hobby, or a passion project, engaging in work allows us to express ourselves, develop a sense of purpose, and feel a sense of accomplishment. Furthermore, vocation has the potential to enhance our self-esteem and provide financial stability. By investing our time and effort into a vocation, we also contribute to the collective progress of humanity.
The Dichotomy
In their symbiotic relationship, love and work interact and influence each other. Love can inspire and motivate us in our professional endeavors. Similarly, the fulfillment and satisfaction derived from our vocations can positively impact our relationships. When we find meaning and purpose in our vocation, we often bring a sense of contentment and stability to our love life.
Work-life balance is a myth. As with most dichotomies, there is a middle way, but it is not to be found in a balancing act. The phrase ‘work-life balance’ seems to imply that one is ‘good’ and the other ‘bad.’ But, work is part of life. It is more akin to Aristotle’s ‘golden mean.’ Too much and too little work is a vice. Same for life. Virtue then is found in the middle of both. Harmonizing the two promotes emotional and psychological well-being.
Often society places an overwhelming emphasis on work, equating success with professional achievements, material wealth, and recognition. This perspective can lead to a neglect of love and relationships. Similarly, an excessive focus on love without a sense of purpose or vocational fulfillment can also result in an unfulfilled existence. Finding an equilibrium then is essential for leading a meaningful and satisfying life.
By nurturing relationships and pursuing work that aligns with our passions and values, we cultivate a sense of fulfillment that permeates all aspects of our lives. This requires introspection and self-awareness. It involves understanding our priorities, values, and goals.
Energy of Self
How do we show up fully engaged in our relationships and vocation? As previously discussed, with full, positive energy. Energy management in four valences: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.
Covey details an energy renewal process he calls “Sharpen the Saw” in his 7 Habits book. He further recommends a one-hour “daily private victory” ritual in which you renew all four valences. Alternatively, you could scatter these throughout your week. I suggest you also have ‘rituals’ you can do to sustain your energy throughout the day and as an emergency bolus as needed at any time.
“Sharpen the Saw” tends to go by the term ‘self-care’ nowadays, and you may have heard witticisms such as “put your oxygen mask on first before helping others.” I like the older “an empty well draws no water.” Regardless the principle is the same: taking the time to renew the four valences makes us more effective in our life’s work and purpose.
Investing in self-care may seem indulgent on antithetical to productivity but it defends you against exhaustion and mental or emotional collapse. In addition, it increases your sense of agency, effectiveness, and competency.
We all have a moral obligation to the people who are important in our lives, as well as to ourselves, to learn and progress without ceasing.
Stephen Covey, Primary Greatness
We are going to discuss them individually but know that they are interconnected. One renewing action may indirectly impact more than just the valence that it directly targets. For example, exercise improves, intentionally, your physical valence, but also your emotional life.
Physical
Sharpening the saw physically—exercising, eating the right foods, getting adequate rest, avoiding harmful substances, having regular physical checkups—significantly increases the likelihood that we’ll make good choices in decision moments. It also increases our options, as good health becomes a resource from which we can do so much more. Our body is a fundamental stewardship; it’s the instrument through which we work to fulfill all other stewardships and responsibilities.
Stephen Covey, Primary Greatness
Most everyone is aware of the big three: exercise, nutrition, and sleep. These three do the heavy lifting of the physical valence. Begin with these and make them non-negotiable. Once you get these dialed in you can start experimenting:
- Naps
- Hot and/or cold therapies
- Massage and other bodywork
- Nutritional supplementation
We’re talking here about maintenance and renewal, not training for the Olympics. If a specific sport is your thing, great. Just remember, the mistake most amateur athletes make is not enough recovery. We will talk later about training specific to growing your physical energy. Right now we are just talking about optimizing your current physical energy level. Test and experiment until you find a protocol that makes you feel tip-top.
Mental
Meaningful mental renewal empowers us to transcend the limited wisdom of our environment in decision moments and keeps our minds sharp and clear and well-exercised for ready use.
Stephen Covey, Primary Greatness
If you are a knowledge worker (over 1 billion of us worldwide as of 2020) then you know the mental strain of the 8-10-12 hour workday. Many run this like an ultra-marathon. I would suggest instead a series of ‘sprints’ of no more than 90 minutes with a lengthy break (15 minutes?) before the next session. Another option is a version of the “Pomodoro” technique: 25 minutes on and 5 minutes off.
The key here is that you do anything but ‘work’ during the break period. No email, social media, texts, voicemail, Slack, or other messaging apps and services.
Probably one of the best things you could do for mental renewal during these breaks is something physical—a set of body weight exercises, quick up and down some flights of stairs, some sprints in the parking lot—“vigorous intermittent exercise activity,” aka: “exercise snacks.” Or take a walk, get some sun, drink some water, eat some protein, or a low glycemic index snack. Try five minutes of breathing exercises.
How about when you’re not at work? What are mentally renewing activities in those times? Here are some of my favorites, and, again, the idea is to stretch the mind, not flog it with more work:
- Read “great works” of fiction
- Read poetry
- Thought-provoking podcasts
- Study a new language
- Learn to play a musical instrument
- Take an online course
- Attend a lecture at a local college, library, or ‘town hall’
- Join a discussion group or book club
- Visit a museum
- Watch documentaries
Emotional
One of the best ways to educate our heart is to look at our interaction with other people, because our relationships with others are fundamentally a reflection of our relationship with ourselves.
When we don’t listen to or live by our conscience, we tend to blame and accuse other people in an attempt to justify our inner dissonance. If we have a sense of mission and principles to measure ourselves against, we benchmark against other people instead of our own potential. We’re into comparative thinking and win-lose mentality. We become self-centered and autobiographical. We impose our motives on the actions of others. We see their strengths and weaknesses in terms of how they affect us. We empower their weaknesses to control us.
Stephen Covey, Primary Greatness
Covey called this valence “Social/Emotional,” whereas the Corporate Athlete materials refer to “Emotional.” Call it what you will, without emotional balance, your social life will be difficult. When your emotional energy is high and positive, you seem to glide with an even keel despite storms or choppy seas.
Specific to positive emotional energy renewal, try:
- Meditation
- Gratitude journaling
- Reading books about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
- See a therapist
- Practice deep breathing
- Practice self-compassion
- Learn how to be more resilient
Spiritual
Renewing activities in the spiritual dimension—meditation, prayer, formal religious activity, altruistic service, studying the wisdom and ‘sacred’ literature, memorizing and reviewing a personal mission statement—nurture the big picture context and the contribution focus of ‘true north.’ This renewal plays a vital role in the education of the heart. It’s the basis for deciding what ‘first things’ are. It gives us the passion and the power to subordinate the less important to the more important. It empowers us to transcend the powerful influences of urgency and expediency.
Stephen Covey, Primary Greatness
Your core, your why (Simon Sinek), your inner citadel (Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius), and that “old roll top desk where you really keep your stuff” (Vice Admiral James Stockdale)—the spiritual energy valence—gives rise to your sense of purpose in life. It’s the fertile soil to propagate your ultimate mission, and the well you draw from to water and grow your grand strategy.
‘Spirituality’—just as practical as any other valence—can be a force multiplier for your vocations and love, leading to a more purpose-driven and fulfilling life.
Only he who is capable of a genuine encounter with the other is capable of an authentic encounter with himself, and the converse is equally true… From this perspective, every spiritual exercise is a dialogue, insofar as it is an exercise of authentic presence, to oneself and to others.
Pierre Hadot, Philosophy as a Way of Life
The way to spiritual energy renewal and growth is through habits of spiritual disciplines and practices:
- Study scripture (what Covey calls “the great wisdom or sacred literature”)
- Study Philosophy
- Self-examination, a la Socrates
- Silence/Solitude
- Gratitude
- “Radical Compassion,” a la Tara Brach
- Prayer
- Meditation
- Nature and “forest bathing”
- Journaling
- Writing and reviewing your Ultimate Mission and Grand Strategy
Drafting Your Identities, Roles, & Mission Statement
By now you should have some idea of your roles and identities. From parts I and II of this series, you also should have some sense of your values, virtues, and character strengths. And don’t forget that thought experiment of visiting your funeral or the question “Who are you when you are at your best?”
All this is to say before you can live a meaningful life—pursuing eulogy virtues and flourishing—you need to know how you want people to talk about you so you can act now to make that scenario play out.
Following Covey’s advice we are not just making a list of ideals. Instead, he suggests a ‘constitution’ based on timeless and unchanging principles, virtues, and values that you want to embody.
Caveat Emptor
Two more things to remember: first, the end product isn’t as important as the process itself. It’s the journey, not the destination.
Writing a mission statement changes you because it forces you to think through your priorities deeply, carefully, and to align your behavior with your beliefs.
Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
The journey is the intentional thinking about what it means to you to live a good life. Furthermore, this is not a one-and-done. It’s a lifelong journey.
Which leads to caveat number two. For it to be useful you have to return to your ‘constitution’ over and over again. Both to check if your decision-making and actions are in alignment and as a spiritual practice for grounding the internal and external life.
Step 1: Set Aside Uninterrupted Time
As mentioned here you need blocks of uninterrupted time to do some ‘deep work.’ Two to four hours on a weekend—perhaps two on Saturday and two more on Sunday, or multiple Saturdays. Whatever best works for you.
If you don’t have ‘Walden Space’—quiet space at home—try a coffee shop, library, or natural park setting. Want to go deep? Check into a hotel room like Maya Angelou or J.K. Rowling.
Step 2: Identities & Roles
Covey recommends no more than six roles. We discussed the idea of three ‘marriages’ or identities (self, vocation, love). I tend to view this as a taxonomy of sorts. For example, the four valences are classified under ‘self’, husband under ‘love’, and writer under ‘work’.
Seen as a taxonomy, for some of my relationships, I can default to my love identity for decision-making. New projects or tasks? What does my vocation identity say? So for me, it starts looking something like this:
Work Identity: “Jedi Master”— Scholar/Teacher/Philosopher
Roles: retired law enforcement officer, website manager, coach/mentor, trainer
Step 3: Define the Why of Each Role
If you haven’t already, it’s time to define the high-level purpose of each identity and role. You may have some intrinsic sense of the purposes, but writing them out, and articulating them on paper, is therapeutic and results in a renewable, amendable document.
According to James Pennebaker, expressive writing allows you to openly acknowledge and accept emotions, being then able to give voice to blocked feelings, thereby constructing a meaningful story. Furthermore, you improve your ability to make causal links among life events and increase your capacity for introspection.
Write down the identity or role. One piece of paper for each role (or identity). Now think back to your funeral thought experiment. Write out the values, virtues, and character strengths—your best self—you want to embody in this role or identity. What do you want the people you affect in that role to say about you when you’re dead? Who are you when you are at your best in these roles? How do you embody these identities? What do you think? Say? Do?
Now take that and refine it, pair it down, and cut out any repetition. The more simple you can make these statements the better.
Step 4: Review Often & Amend as Needed
When to review? The most obvious time to review your mission statement is before any ‘big’ decisions and during any ‘major’ life change. The major life change can also prompt, or necessitate, amendment. Take retirement, for example. When I retired my vocational identity and roles changed in a major way. I needed to completely redefine my vocational identity and my roles.
Stephen Covey says to review your mission statement and purpose(s) once a week before determining your role-based goals and planning your weekly activities. The actions and tasks you prioritize that week then are in alignment, with your longer-term role-based goals, your identities and values, character strengths, principles, and virtues.
I used to follow David Allen’s Getting Things Done (GTD) weekly review and processing, then review my Grand Strategy document before planning my week. I’ve noticed that post-retirement, I am not doing that weekly (part of the reason for this whole refresher process). How I use GTD, how you might (or might not), and role-based goals, are the topics for future articles.
Wrap Up
Now you should have ‘Identities’ and ‘Roles’ defined with their purpose statements drafted. You should have recorded your top five character strengths, and maybe another five you want to work on developing. So too, your values and virtues, and maybe some principles aligned with these and in support of your identities and roles.
In the next article of this series, we will drop in the last components of personal leadership: role-based goals and commitments. Then I’ll show you how I formatted all of this in a ‘Grand Strategy.’
Until then review and continue to refine your identities and roles, and maybe start to consider what goals you might have for each of those.
